Beach Etiquette. Just DON'T.

A reporter from a major Delaware daily asks, "What are the do's and don'ts of sunbathing? How close is too close for towels and blankets? How loud should a radio be? If you're close to someone, do you drink? Smoke? What do you do with your trash? And, what about kids?"

My response:

Unless you're a supermodel (being one in your own mind doesn't count), there are no "Do's" when it comes to sunbathing. Just don'ts. As in PLEASE DON'T...Don't subject us to your tired and poor cellulite, your huddled masses of flab that have been yearning to breathe free after a long winter, the wretched refuse of your bursting sans-a-belts. And if you need to dress like Marlon Brando in THE ISLAND OF DR. MOREAU (muumuu, oversized panama hat, mercury oxide that looks like you've dusted yourself in Bisquick), also DON'T. Regarding distance between towels and blankets, it's not the towels and blankets that are at issue, it's the people lying ON the towels and blankets. Generally, if I can hear the guy next to me breathing, they're too close. Regarding radio loudness (and nowadays, let's add portable TVs and DVD players, cell phone ringtones), these devices should be like children from the 1920s--seen, but not heard. I'm trying to relax. I don't want to hear the primal screams of RED SOX NATION on the radio. Drinking, again, depends on who is next to me. If it's the guy listening to the Red Sux, chances are he's already too drunk out of his mind to care. Smoke? I thought they hung people now for public smoking. Trash? Isn't that what the ocean is for? Kidding, kidding, I'm as a green as the next man (provided the next man is a 1980s lobbyist for Big Oil). Kids? What kids go to the beach? Are there malls there? Personally, I've never understood the allure of the beach anyway. It's hot, the sand gets into everything, you burn your soles trying to walk on it, and sharks attack within two feet of water so forget that. Maybe that's the best advice when it comes to the beach. Just DON'T.