Thoughts on Starbucks

Lenore is at it again, this time developing a column about Starbucks for the New York Sun. She writes, "My favorite coffee chain has been reduced to doing what mortal businesses do -- advertising on TV -- now that it has had one nanosecond without phenomenal growth. Anyway, the ads -- which show people and animals giving each other coffees -- made me wonder why real life people don't do that. I mean, in a bar, a friend will say, "Lemme buy you a beer," or, "Drinks for everyone!" But you never hear that in a Starbucks. My questions for you, out there: 1. Why not? 2. Could Starbucks possibly try to become more like a bar, thereby encouraging folks to buy each other a round, at least in the slow late-afternoon hours (a la Happy Hour)? 3. Any other culture-changing ideas you think Starbucks should try?"

So naturally, I had some thoughts...

Question 1: Why not? Answer: You must be hanging out with unfriendly people! I go to Starbucks about one time every 1-2 months, usually to meet what I call "The French Connection," my co-columnist Joan Allen and our mutual friend, Mary Jo, as together this winsome threesome jetted to France for a vacation in late 2002 to Provence and Paris. We had a BALL! Anyway, Joan in particular is always up for buying someone a latte and I have certainly done the same myself. Must be a nasty xenophobic NEW YORK thing with people not offering free lattes.

As for Starbucks being more like a bar, that might run afoul with what Starbucks actually is. A place for homeless people. Nobody wants to go HOME anymore because when you go HOME you've got to talk to your spouse ABOUT YOUR DAY and deal with mail and screaming kids and the cable that doesn't work and lawn that has to mowed and laundry that has to be done and RESPONSIBILITY RESPONSIBILITY RESPONSIBILITY. Calgon, take me away, and if you can't, deposit my cellulite ridden ass at Starbucks. Because at Starbucks, they have all the BEST things about being at home. Wireless internet. Coffee (and in WAY more many types, forms, temperatures, textures, etc than you're going to find in your kitchen), muffins the size of your head, even salads and sammies if its lunchtime and music. It's a place to go that isn't home and isn't work and therefore, isn't stressful (unless it's Saturday morning when it seems every yutz with ears is in the $*%*@#! place, I need a table, C'MON!!!). Starbucks isn't a bar, it's the everyman version of the gentleman's club circa 1910 old world England just minus the butler, the giant fireplace and the huge leather wingback chairs (love those).

Sidebar: Sharp observation about Starbucks and their lack of advertising. If you are so inclined, read Al and Laura Ries' THE FALL OF ADVERTISING AND THE RISE OF PR. They trumpet Starbucks as a prime of example of a major corporate success that achieved its greatness without any real advertising. Starbucks became successful because they created a niche that didn't really exist before. Be the first of ANYTHING and the world will beat a path to your door!

Sidebar #2: Bars have been done to DEATH. They have a bar for everything. Salad bar, chocolate bar, OXYGEN bar. What is a bar but a place to indulge in some kind of borderline vice and to check out the opposite sex? I have a problem with bars. Neer liked them. Never could understand the appeal. They're generally WAY crowded, there's hardly anyplace to STAND, much less sit, the music is too loud (and I'e ALWAYS felt that way lest you conjure images of some ancient doddering dang-whippersnappering Establishment dude yelling turn that dang music down old Walter Matthau-Mr. Wilson-geezertype) you have to scream in the ear of the person next to you to be heard and this is FUN??????? The ONLY way it is tolerable is if you're a drinker. DRUGS make it bearable, because ALCOHOL is a drug. Isn't your typical bar just nothing more than a legalized crack house? Only instead of getting high on cocaine derivatives, you're getting high on alcohol. I mean, if cocaine were legal, don't you think the corner crack house would overnight be transformed from an abandoned building into a state of the art den of inequity with high definition flat screens and secure booths where folks can snort their lines unencumbered by onlookers and without worry about getting white powder on the guy's camelhair sweater next to you?

Happy Holidays!