Why do women DO that?

The Lost Lenore and her pal, Lance, are writing an article for Reader's Digest looking at why women do some of the very odd things that they do...I was asked to give my erudite and experienced input into the cobwebby labryinth which is the mind of the Typical Female...Read, chuckle, and nod in silent approval...

- Why do so many women own so many pairs of shoes in general?

I've asked women this question. They stare blankly into space for a moment as the gerbil gets a claw caught in the spinning wheel in their heads, and the response is usually one of three theories: (1) I don't know (2) Because I'm a woman and (3) It has something to do with SEX AND THE CITY.

- Why do so many women watch the Lifetime channel? I know very intelligent women who watch some of the sappiest movies I've ever seen. Is it a guilty pleasure?

I believe women watch the LIFETIME Channel because they want to make sure that Valerie Bertinelli and Victoria Principal stay gainfully employed and don't end up homeless.

- Why do so many women like Oprah?

Because all women want to BE Oprah. Rich, the center of attention (there's something odd about a woman who has her own magazine and puts herself on every single cover), a medical staff the size of Sloan-Kettering's at their beckon call, uberempowered, and at the same time, sensitive to the needy (let's give everyone in Ethiopia a new Pontiac!) generous to a fault (let's give everyone in the studio audience a new Pontiac!), but business savvy (let's get a new advertising contract going with Pontiac!)

- Why do so many women defend egotistical men, claiming they're
"insecure"?

Because women are insecure. If women admitted that the men they were attracted to were egotistical louts it would make them appear either shallow, stupid, or inherently defective (i.e. do women have a natural tendency to be attracted to egotistical louts), so they must defend these men so they themselves don't look bad.

- What's up with those twenty-pound purses? Do you really need all that stuff? I've taken less stuff camping for a weekend than many women take to work every day.

A woman is creature that wants what it wants when it wants it. And wants to look GOOOOOOOOD doing it. So that requires either a contract with Local 360 Teamsters Union to come out and do facial/body reparations every 15 minutes or an arsenal of assorted cosmetic and feminine products and devices (that thing they use on their eyelashes looks like some form of medieval torture device to me) which must be kept in complete disarray in a leather sack the size of a cow's udder and worth twice the GNP of Somalia.

- What do so many women have against beer?

Beer is masculine. It involves things like "hops" which women haven't a clue about, and usually sports as the vast majority of beer is consumed while watching Monday Night Football and just about anything on ESPN. Wine on the other hand is French, and therefore, feminine.

- Why do women ask so many questions? Maybe it's just me, but it
seems like many relationships have dialogues like this: "What time
does the party start?" "I don't know." "Will Joe and Jill be
there?" "I don't know." "Will there be food?" "I don't know." Are
you just naturally curious, or is there some higher
purpose/ulterior motive to all those questions?

Women are constantly afraid of being judged and found LACKING. Lacking in terms of their physical appeal, their mental prowess, whatever. It's a Western Society thing. Women are made to feel from the time they begin to toddle about that their main appeal is their appearance and one gets one's sense of beauty not from within, but from without. What do my friends and colleagues think about my new hairstyle? My new shoes? My new clothes? My new boyfriend? This puts a great deal of pressure on the typical female who therefore requires as much intelligence and reconnaissance as possible about every outing and venture in which they may take part. This allows them to prepare. WHAT TIME DOES THE PARTY START gives them the information they need regards how many hours, minutes, seconds, they have to shower, do their makeup, call in Local 360 of the Teamsters union, etc. WILL JOE AND JILL BE THERE? This may be her favorite couple...or likely, least favorite, the ones who are most likely to be in judgment about her, about her husband, etc. WILL THERE BE FOOD? Women are always interested in food so they can be sure to avoid it. It's their eternal hope, but it is never fulfilled as ultimately no woman has any defense against anything that contains chocolate, sugar, and carbohydrates.